he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
