I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
