The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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