Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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