Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
