I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
