Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
