yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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