I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Randomize
