guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
