Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
