last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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