Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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