i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's rum buckets o'clock
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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