I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
