I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
