I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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