So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
