alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
