You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
In America we eat man semen.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
