and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
