I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
