My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
