dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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