Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
