Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
