Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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