when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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