I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
