Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
