life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
