What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
