I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
