There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
ttyl tear gas
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
