Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
