I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
