She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
