yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
