that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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