worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
