pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
