I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
