I looked at my own cervix.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
