Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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