Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
