i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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