if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
