i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
