Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
