ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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