I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
